Okay, so this is always a nice kind of question to answer... A way of reflecting on where you are and where you've been, even if from only the past few years...

To help with the answer for myself, though, I thought it'd be neat to do what I occasionally do (actually, about once in a blue moon or so), which is to go back and look at my Xanga entries of the past... Thought I'd go back one year, two years, and so on right on this date, or if not this date (due to happening not to have written on it), then whatever other date is closest...

I'm gonna start with the furthest "March" I can go from my time here on Xanga... My blog here goes as far back as 2004 (well, actually, 2003 if you count another one I started on here about a year before this AggieSysta one - http://poetiqreign.xanga.com/!), but the earliest "March" entry I have was from 2005, so I'll begin there...

Thursday, March 10, 2005
http://aggiesysta.xanga.com/219551446/item/
On Xanga: So, on this day, I was on spring break during my junior year in college and was just talking about how I used to really not at all understand what the big deal was with seemingly everyone's love for Prince, Luther Vandross and Stevie Wonder...and in this entry, I was saying I had finally come to understand the big hooha about Price and Luther - and in fact even really loved Prince - but still not really Stevie... Well, that's all the same... I get Price and Luther but still haven't gotten into Mr. Wonder.. Oh well! Oh yeah, on a side note - I'm pretty damn sure I wrote at least one other Xanga entry on this same exact subject, and in the exact same sorta way, maybe a few years later.. I really wanna say!

Outside of Xanga: I couldn't even begin to say what exactly specifically was going on in Jameya World outside of Xanga based on the above entry alone... I know that I had my own, big-ass corner room on I think the sixth floor at A&T... I was what turned out to be about a year-and-a-half away from graduating and just doing the usual going-to-class stuff as well as participating in my extracurricular activities - organizations, clubs and such, and hanging with friends - outside of class... Nada really spectacular going on at the time, I don't think in the greater scheme of things...

Friday, March 10, 2006
http://aggiesysta.xanga.com/455562756/item/
On Xanga: LoL...sounds like I was on my usual anti-Bush stuff that I had goin' on a lot throughout my college days... Not much else for this entry, surprisingly!

Outside of Xanga: Once again, not positive... I want to say I had just broke up with my ex Paul after some crazy and weird drama from his side... It was either around this time or around the same time in 2005 that that had just been the case... Anywho, was about a half-year away from graduating and STILL with that BOMB-ASS corner room on the 6th floor!! Lol, my how I loved that room! EVERYbody loved that room!! Anyway, beyond that, same ol' same ol' as in this time the previous year, I would say...

Friday, March 9, 2007 (was no March 10 - the closest were the 9th and the 19th, so went with the 9th!)
On Xanga: Okay, so finally, this was when things started switching up a bit... I had graduated from A&T in Dec. '06, just moved in to my first post-college apartment in Winston-Salem and was getting settled in - unpacking, wiping things down and everything else that comes with making your home "home"... Anywho, other than that, I was also talking about various things in entertainment in that entry - the fact that I'd just seen the two movies Bobby and Stomp the Yard and heard that song and seen the video of Beyonce and Shakira's "Beautiful Liar" (which I STILL love, by the way!)...

Outside of Xanga (or not mentioned in this particular entry): In addition to having just graduated and then scored my first new post-grad place, I had also just started my first post-grad job, working for the main newspaper of that city - a job I held 'til October of last year when I got the job I'm at now! Anyway, I was really gettin' settled in my new life of being completely on my own for the first time ever - no mom, no college to keep me afloat or take care of me - and it was all SO very exciting and liberating to me... At this time, I definitely was not dating or even "talking" to anyone... Was just focused mostly on getting my life and self situated in this new phase of my life... A few months after that, I did end up "talkin" with this guy named Larry for a few months, but it didn't end up going nowhere and ended on a pretty sour note (we just completely stopped talking... A few years later, though, we got in tough again via Yahoo Messenger and Facebook...but just as more so casual acquaintances - not much more)... And then later that year, in December, was when Wesley and I started dating...

Wednesday, April 23, 2008
"WHAT'S NEW?!?!?!?!?!?! The Quarterly Update..."
http://aggiesysta.xanga.com/653550769/whats-new--the-quarterly-update/
On AND Outside of Xanga (since I'd pretty much updated anything that could possibly need to be known about my life in this one post): Okay, okay - so I cheated a bit with pulling this entry... Turns out, I didn't write a damn thing for all of March '08, SO, thought I'd try the next closest thing for that year, which happened to be the lone April entry shown above (before that, the last I'd written was in January of that year ). So, anyway, okay, this post was a "quarterly update" - meaning updating about what had all happened in the previous three or so months that I hadn't written anything - and the damn thing was long as hell!! LoL...but let's see if I can quickly sum it up... It mentioned my trip to Denver that February to see Wes (we started out on long distance) for a few days during Valentine's Day...and how F'd-up I got from a bet we had that I lost ridiculously!  Also met for the first time several of Wes' closest peeps - all family members - during the trip, including his mom... Then, Mama D (now Mama B) had had her lil' girl back in Winston while I was in Denver, so as soon as I got back, I headed there to see her, her guy (now her husband!) and the new lil' one (*2011 Update: Just went to the 3rd birthday party that Mama B threw for her daughter, and it was cool and fun!)... I had just joined a gym for the first time, ever, but wasn't quite taking advantage of it the way I should've been (*2011 Update:* My behind still ain't hittin' no gym the way I should! Haven't been a member of one since I moved from Winston, and there's a really nice fitness center in my apartment complex, but ummm yeah...been there, like, once I know, I know - so sad :-/ I was, however, regularly hittin' the gym in Winston for about four straight months last year, though! Started in January but fell off around April :-/))... Also, another first ever - but not a good one - was my poor '93 Nissan Maxima having really broken down for the first time, and it happened while my then-"little sister" from the Big Brothers Big Sisters program was in tow (*2011 Update:* My BBBS "little sis" and I lost touch later that year, I believe it was... It was unfortunate, but oh well - what can ya do :-/... Also, I ended up selling that Maxima last year once I got to Charlotte, and a few weeks or so later, I bought my 2001 Dodge Stratus! Talk about upgrade! But that Maxima will def. always have a special place in my heart.. It was my first vehicle love!)... In April, went to Raleigh for Jackie's sister's bachelorette party, which Jackie, her cousin Sean, Evans and I helped set up and had a blast at it (*2011 Update:* As mentioned in an entry last month or so, Jackie and I have been the most distant ever.. She never contacts me or Evans, EVER...despite all of my attempts to keep things together with us...so, who knows where that will go or end up, if anywhere) ... Also took forever to do my taxes but eventually got it done, two days before deadline (*2011 Update - well, not really:* That reminds me - REALLY gotta get on that for this year! Especially since I switched jobs mid-last year.. Gotta make sure I have all of my necessary paperwork !)... Ulp - another first! DVR! lol! Wes finally convinced me to do it, and I did (*2011 Update:* And I've been beyond obsessed with the thing ever since...taping any and everything and not watching most, lol...just keeping most of it up there for a rainy day or when I'm in the mood, which is hardly ever!)... Talked about my somewhat new-found reality T.V. obsession (*2011 Update:* Still pretty into reality T.V., though maybe not quite as much as before...but I guess compared to everything else I watch (or don't watch), yeah, I'm probably still a lil' more into it than I'm making it seem, lol)... Was at the beginning of my only ever long-ass General Hospital hiatus in all of the, at the time, nine or so years I'd been watching! (*2011 Update:* That hiatus ended up going from two or three months to a little less than a year! GH had just done some things that just irked me a lil' more than usual and I think I had started getting a bit behind on the show at first but eventually was just like forget it and let it go altogether for a while...but around early-2009, I got back into it and have been watching religiously every day since! Even when it sucks majorly or does really sucky things, which tends to be quite often! But I still do watch nevertheless!) And was just talkin' about some other T.V. shows I was watching at the time, lol... Also mentioned the movies I'd seen in the previous several months and how much I'd been tuning in to the '08 election stuff at that point (*2011 Update:* Obama ended up winning the presidential election that year - yaayy!!)... And the main last thing I discussed in the post was Wesley and my relationship up to that point... There is one part in particular that is pretty hilarious and interesting to look back on, when I think about what we've been going through off and on during our relationship and what, as mentioned in my post earlier today, we've been talking about a lot more seriously about the last couple of days:

And it's really amazing that....despite having known each other and been very good and close friends for about eight years prior...and us being geographically so far apart for most of the time we've been dating....it's seemed like we've gotten even closer and found out even more - much more - about each other in the past several months....than we could've ever imagined....

We've found out about so many more things that we have in common - especially that others would probably never understand, lol......

As well as some things that we're very different on....like, REALLY different, lol.....but we've also observed that our differences actually greatly complement each other....4 the most part, lol....

Where I fall weak, he's quite strong....and where he's weak, I'm strong...so it all really works out...

And where we're strong or weak - collectively or individually - we lift each other up....help strengthen each other, ya know....

But anyway, I digress... The last few things I mentioned in that entry were the few different things I was gonna have going on for the upcoming weekend and also my brother having his own radio show at A&T (*2011 Update:* Bro's since graduated from A&T - May 2010 - and not too long after went overseas to England to play professional basketball... And now he recently returned to and is chillin' out a bit in Raleigh for a sec. with my mom) !

Tuesday, March 10, 2009
On Xanga: Hmmm, okay, so first of all...this entry was one of three entries of that month that year, out of 26, that was a private one. The one right before it and right after it were public, ha, but yep, this one was private, and it was written at 6 o'clock in the mornin' and was another one that was long as hell! But anyway, I was pretty much venting about feeling very lost and confused about my life - about where I was at the moment and not really having clear clue or direction of where I'd go or out to get there... I was still in Winston and just not feeling like I knew what I'd want to do with the rest of my life - particularly as far as a career or possibly going back to (graduate) school were concerned... I felt like I should be a writer at some point, somehow, but didn't really have much of an interest in or surely a passion for journalism or really anything else like that, and it was just all very scary to me... I really had an emotional breakdown that night over that, and I kept it to myself at the time, but I think I actually deeply confided in my mom about it a few days after... Anyway, here's a snapshot from that entry:

Lastly, what is also highly frustrating about all of this is that...this is all fairly ironic because for most of my life, I really felt like I had it all together.  Like I really knew what I wanted for my life, present and future.  I had plans, I had dreams, I had goals.

Now all of that just seems a blur...and it really feels like I'm in endless suspension.  That I'm wandering around aimlessly in a world of only cloud.

Again...at least I haven't lost my lifelong dream and interest to one day be someone's happily married wife and four to six children's loving mother....

And I'd like to travel... A lot.

All else is virtually a crap shoot.

I'd say that since then, I am now at a different job and as a writer and making more than I was before, getting out a lot more than I was before and living in one of my dream/goal cities...So, much has improved since that crazy, emotional night; however, I'm still not totally sure on what I'd like to have happen, career-wise, for the rest of my life... There still isn't anything I'm hugely passionate about or interested in pursuing to the point of making a lifetime career out of it...but...I'm definitely in a much better place in my life overall, as far as all that is concerned, and not nearly as worried and scared as I was then, so yeah...thank God.

Outside of Xanga: Like I said, I was still living in Winston-Salem...at my job at the newspaper for about slightly over two years...in a relationship with Wesley for a year and some change, and we'd been living together at that point for about a half-year... And I was pretty much just working and mostly doin' the relationship thing.. Didn't ever really know many people while I was living in Winston, but I'd still try to make the most of it... I'm not sure if I was as crazy sick about still being in Winston at this point or not... Probably, though, lol... Oh, Wesley and I did get away twice that year - once, on a Western Caribbean cruise and the second time to Virginia Beach - and we had really great times in both cases...


Anywho, and finally....

Friday, March 12, 2010 - my lone March post that year
"03/12/10 Thoughts..."
http://aggiesysta.xanga.com/723434667/031210-thoughts/
On Xanga: Another private entry - LoL! Okay, so maybe March just isn't my month the last few years, lol...'cause this was another one where I was ranting, and for quite a while like the previous year, but this time, instead of it being about my lack of career and overall life direction, I was talking about my issues at the time with Wesley and our relationship... Mainly, two issues, which I'm not going to go into now, but one of them has gotten a lot better since then and over time while the other has still been an issue, and I've been pretty verbal with him about it...

Outside of Xanga: Still in Winston! At the newspaper for a little over three years, with Wesley for two years and some change, and us having lived together for about a year-and-a-half... And pretty much same ol' same ol' as the "outside of Xanga" goings on of the previous entry... I'm pretty sure Jackie had been acting very iggish and we'd been pretty distant for a while by the time this post was written... And things were constantly shaky between my mom and I during this time as well (and same in '09 I'm sure, too)...

Wheeww! That was a lot! LoL.. If it weren't for my longer and more complicated entries from '08-'10, I'da been GoOd!!

But okay, and today...

Thursday, March 10, 2011
I've pretty been updating my blog what's been up with me as of late... In Charlotte now, got a new job as of October of last year, a little more than three years with Wesley, things shaky with my friend Jackie, things a lot closer with my friend Evans, things for a long time shaky with my mom but has recently gotten better - hopefully for good, and still cool and close as always with my lil' bro...

For the future, still have no clue what I want to do for the rest of my life, career-wise, but definitely still have the fixed dream of one day - hopefully a lot sooner than later! - getting married, having around four children and just living happily and peacefully with my husband for the rest of our lives together.  Oh, also, financial stability in one way or another - for each of us individually as well as a couple and family.... I hope that my future will definitely include Wesley, and as my right-hand man, and me his woman... That's been the plan for at least the past several years, and it still is...

Hope things between my mom and I will only get even better and stay better and good and stress-free... Would be nice if things somehow improved 'tween Jackie and I, but don't really see that happening anytime soon or ever, so...yeah... And also hope to graduate from an apartment to a house at some point in the next years, with my then-husband and our first kid or two! And back to the career stuff, of course - I really hope to be able to find something I really really REALLY love to do and could very well see doing forever, and whether or not I should go back to school to get 'er done, and whether I have enough focus, commitment and dedication to go back to school... I would also really, REALLY like to do some more traveling - like, on a much longer scale... Around the country but also around the freakin' WORLD! And I know it'll take quite a bit of money and time, but...I just wish I could figure out how to swing it somehow because I'd still like to do it, in one way or another...even if it's just a few countries...but we'll see.

We'll see about everything.

Anywho, guess that about does it for this Xanga question, lol...which turned out to be a whole different sorta thing, but that's OK! Anyway, gotta go scoop Wes, so I'm out!

I just answered this Featured Question; you can answer it too!

So, I went MASSIVEly shopping with the S.O. yesterday...

Ended up spending $250+ together…

Def. the most I've spent and most serious grocery shopping either of us has done in quite a while…

It was def. very long overdue… I was dreading it and putting it off for as long as possible, but I knew it had to get done…

A lot of stuff we got were healthier food items… We're both trying to eat and, in turn, generally be more healthy…

Hopefully it sticks – at least for a long while…

Back to grocery shopping, though – I feel like Walmart has been both a best friend and a worst enemy – a blessing and a curse – all rolled into one over the years…

I used to love love LOVE Walmart… It was dag near a Godsend (OK, that might sound like a bit much, but hey…just being honest about my feelings!)

It had any and EVERYthing you could think of that you would ever need on a regular, everyday or even occasional basis… A one-stop shop for bananas, socks, DVDs, tents, deodorant and antifreeze! What more could you ask for?!

And, best of all, it was all ridiculously cheap!

Unlike so many of my fellow N.C. peers, before college, I had been to Walmart less than a handful of times… Maybe two or three, to be exact…

Before college, I pretty much divvied up my store attention between the likes of Food Lion, Harris Teeter, Kroger's, Lowe's Foods, and Target…

For bigger and/or more non-grocery- or non-toiletry-type things, it was pretty much all about Target…with Kmart being a far second…

Walmart just seemed so…..cluttered….disorganized…..just not all that great….

But THEN…

Went to A&T…found several people I ended up hanging with on a regular basis who were just short of obSESSED with the freaking place…

Especially in not having my own personal transportation for my first year or two there, when I'd be with a friend who'd make a run to the store, it would always always ALWAYS always always be Walmart…

ALWAYS.

And so…through that experience is how my dangerous love affair with the stupidly mega superstore began…

Once I got my car, it was Wally World that my behind went 15-20 minutes out of the way to get to when there was a Food Lion about 5-10mins. away and a CVS, Dollar Store and some other no-name grocery store right around the freakin' corner!

It was at Wally World where I had come to just about completely consolidate all of my shopping needs – getting things like milk, school supplies and a pair of socks all in one fell swoop of my shopping trip…

Wally World was it. The beginning and end of stores, as far as I was concerned… You could get SO MUCH done there that you just never could anywhere else – even Target – and again, for some very unbeatable prices…

And then when I graduated and not too long after moved to Winston-Salem for my new, post-grad job…I was very happy with and relieved by the fact that there was a Wally World only about 10mins. away, driving, from my new apartment…

And man did I milk that joint like there was no tomorrow!

For a LONG-ass time, I was hittin' up Walmart like it was freakin' crack!!

Going there multiple times a week – whether I had one or two things to get or 50 – during the day but especially at night, since I was working the nighttime shift at that job for a while…

It'd gotten to the point where I would start to notice other Walmart addicts regulars and some of the employees there would come to expect me, and one of the guys that worked there even said it seemed like I was there more than he was and that I must be rich (with always going there to buy crap) and should buy him some stuff from there!

So, yeah…needless to say….ADDICTED.

Then, Wes came to Winston – almost two years after I'd been there – and we moved in together, and even for a while after that, I was still there all the damn time…

And, man…this place to really eat up a lot of my time…time and energy…

It felt like no matter what time I went, no matter how few people were sprinkled throughout the store at certain hours, and no matter how few items I STARTED out having to get, Walmart would almost always have my behind up in there MUCH longer than it shoulda been!

The store is just brilliantly set up, man – I will say that… Even with every single Walmart in the WORLD being very different from the next… However they manage to have it set up – whether in Winston-Salem, North Carolina or Los Angeles, California…BRILLIANT.

SO many times I just got so off track or became easily distracted by…however they'd have things set up to get you off track and distracted.

But anyway, so…a while after Wes and I were living together, my car broke down for good, and for a long-ass while….and I think that might have very well been the beginning of the end of my dangerous addiction to this store…

For a while after that, Wes would be the one going to Walmart a lot more often and asking me if I needed him to pick anything up…

Because I didn't have my own car, I started hittin' the store up more by necessity (TRUE necessity) and just made due in between those times or, if it was important enough, would ask Wes to pick it up whenever he'd happen to stop by there on his own…

There would still be times when I'd go or we'd both go – particularly when we had a lot of shopping to do – and I would take forEVER (don't let him tell it, lol)…but the idea of going in general still became less and less of a necessity in between those times…

And eventually…I think once I got to Charlotte last year….I started really seeing Walmart for it truly is: a HEADACHE.

It's a sort of necessary evil. Well, it isn't really necessary, but it FEELS necessary. Because of its low prices (for the most part, but they're a-climbin' every day!) and how much of EVERY damn thing they have, Walmart FEELS like it's a place you need, once you become used to it.

But omg…I started thinking about how, ok, so first of all…the one close to us here is about 10mins. away in a direction that we rarely go from our apartment, and unlike in Winston, it isn't a straight shot – ya gotta make a turn or two (and off a pretty busy major street)…so, the amount of time, convenience and energy it requires to get there just doesn't seem as worth it anymore…

But even besides that…I started thinking about how ridiculously BIG Walmart is… And it isn't even Super Walmarts anymore – well, unless damn near all Walmarts now are Super Walmarts… They ALL feel "super"…. And whether you're going in there for just groceries or ESPECially if you're going there for whatever is on the very OPPOSITE side of the grocery section of your particular Walmart, traveling that place requires WAY much more time and energy than an everyday store should!

But even if you're just doing groceries… I don't know how many times I've had to go to Wally World just for milk – or with milk being one of the only two things I need to get – and it's always always ALWAYS always always always in the back The VERY back!

I know you freakin' people do that on purpose, Walmart !!! I KNOW you do! And I know I ain't the only one who is SO annoyed by that!

That means I gotta bypass 50-11 aisles just to get one thing – that, if it's a gallon, isn't the lightest thing in the world, by the way – and hope and PRAY there isn't some seemingly enticing deal or food item in my peripheral somewhere along the way!

It seems like such a waste…

And then if you go to Walmart during the day…whether you live in a big-ass city or a small-ass town, the place is gonna be packed… It's like freakin' Disneyland, with all the people who are ALways there…

And they never have enough registers open, which means unnecessarily ridiculously long lines almost always…

And you often end up spending more than you intended…

And not only do I tend to be easily distracted by various stuff in there I might or might not need but hadn't originally intended on GETTING during a particular trip, I can ALSO be pretty indecisive when it comes to grocery shopping or, hell, ANY kind of shopping, and Walmart has a billion different brands, sizes and packaging of EVERY DAMN THING… It's choices gaLORE, which is great for some people – BAD FOR JAMEYA… especially when I'm tryna be in and out or not spend more than original intended!

But because of those two things, a trip where I need to get maybe 15 or 20 items and should only be in the store for no more than a half-hour or so can EASILY turn into a 3-hour thing!

Oh, and don't let me be on the phone… A few times, I've been on the phone with especially someone like Evans or my brother or mom and have ended up being in that store for three or four hours with only equally as many items (3 or 4!) to show for it! From being on the phone and just pacing back and forth the whole time…

I never do that in any other store! And even if I did, it wouldn't then take 1 or 2 additional hours after I get off the phone to finish getting what I'd originally came to get!!

ONLY WALMART.

 

So, yes….now, when I think of Walmart…I often dread it…. I really haven't gone there a whole lot since we've been in Charlotte, and one thing that really helps is us living RIGHT NEXT (literally) to a grocery store – this place called Bloom (which I'd never heard of before moving here, but seems to have pretty good prices – plus, they have this really neat feature of allowing you to both ring each of your items up with this wand and bag 'em along the way, via your (FREE) membership discount card)…so, yeah, I try to go there for especially my smaller grocery trips… And the place is like a fourth of Walmart's size, which is AAAAAA-otay with me.. There are only a few things, grocery- or toiletry-wise, that they don't have and Walmart does, but OVERALL, it's a win… It saves me time, ultimately money (with mostly not buying a lot of stuff I don't need and constantly being easily distracted), AND gas.

But yeah…as much as I bitch about that God-forsaken place – as I said before, it feels like a necessary evil…

I was telling Wes yesterday that it'd be nice if Walmart got some really good competition at some point soon… And not just Target – bigger than Target…

Don't see the likelihood of that happening, really, EVER. But it would be nice…

I think folks – certainly including myself – are WAY too dependent upon that place, especially with it often having us doing things we don't mean to or normally would (like spending a crazy amount of time and/or money there and getting a bunch of stuff not needed that weren't even intended in the first place!)..

Dammit! I meant for this to be a regular post and just got totally sidetracked – even talking about the damn store has me puttin' more time and energy into it than I'd originally intended!

I woke up this morning feeling really, really light…

And not, like, lightheaded…like, light in spirit, body and mind…

Was still not at ALL interested in getting up and def. could've slept at least a few more hours but that's a whole other thing…

Other than that, I just felt sort of renewed or something…like it was a new day…

And then last night, when I picked Wes up from work, it felt like I hadn't seen him in forever…like, some weeks or months or something…

...even though I'd last seen him just that (yesterday) morning before going to work..lol…but it really didn't feel like that last night…

And I've never had that feeling before with him as long as we've lived together…

Well, I'm not completely positive, but I'm thinking both of these feelings have to do with either one or two things (or perhaps both)…

Either me eating pretty lightly throughout the day yesterday up 'til my point of seeing him (had only had some raisins for breakfast; a nice Caesar salad, some lemonade and a churro for lunch; and by the time I saw him, hadn't yet had dinner…but I did have a glass of wine! Lol), or….

The long phone conversation I'd had with my mom before seeing him…

She and I talked for about two-and-a-half hours – from 7pm 'til the time I picked him up from work…

And we just cleared the air on a lot of things…

I don't really tend to share this info. with many – really only my brother, def. Wesley, and most recently (as in the last couple of months), one of my best friends Evans – but my mother and I have had some supreme…some suPREME issues the past several years…

I love her with all my heart and always have, and she's always been one of the main people in my life and world, and I also know the same of hers, but we have bumped heads like it is nobody's business pretty much especially since I graduated from college…and it'd only gotten worse with time…

Well, one of those worse times happened in early December of this past year – right before my birthday – and it'd gotten to the point where I just couldn't take it anymore and we proceeded to not talk for most of the next three or so months…yep, including Christmas AND New Year's (both, first time ever)…

Another one of those worse times – probably top three worse – happened last week…. It was just a mess, but I had pretty much prepared myself for us to never speak again in life at that point…

Then something happened over the weekend…where that all suddenly changed… Not going to go into details, but we ended up on better speaking terms again…but I was still having an internal battle with myself about everything that's transpired, and all the ways I've felt that she has been the main root of our issues for so long…

Briefly, I feel like the main cause has had to do with me and my brother for so long being such a huge part of her life, especially with being a longtime single parent and trying to do everything on her own for as long as I can remember, and having us depend on her so much…

And us becoming adults and trying to be more on our own and do more for ourselves I think has been one of the areas where she's most had conflict with – even if she would for the most part never admit or acknowledge it (whether to us or to herself)…

Another problem is that she has known to have a pretty huge temper, can be pretty overly sensitive, has a very aggressive and dominant personality, and so forth, and when my mom is cool and everything's good, it is the best and greatest thing in the world…but when she is trippin', it is just….it's been horrible…

So, anyway….I was having these internal battles the last couple of days…trying to find the right balance of being true to myself and my freakin' sanity and peace of mind…while also trying not to be cold and so distant and like a stranger to her now that we were again on talking terms…

She was pretty much acting like the past couple of months – and the bad times of the past few years – haven't happened…and I just couldn't do that… I just felt it wasn't real and true to me and I would just, like, snap or somethin'…or drive myself into an early grave…either pretending that everything was fine when I felt like it still wasn't or trying to downplay everything I was still really feeling…

So, I was like OK…for me to really be able to begin the healing process and for us to really have a real shot of moving on together and things truly be better and how they were back when all was consistently good…I still need to get a lot off of my chest…and I wanted her to be able to do the same…but both in a way where the other would have a complete open mind and not be defensive or hostile…

So, I was just thinking about all of the things I really wanted to tell her at this point, during my 20-or-so-min. drive to work yesterday – no radio/music or anything – and at some point during the day, I typed it all out in bullet points in Notepad, with the intention of using that for reference later, and I ended up print it out…

I later texted my mom on my way home from work saying we should talk… Wasn't sure how she'd respond to that – especially in my knowing that she was just ready to put everything behind us and keep it movin'…but I sent the text anyway…

And she responded saying sure, and when we'd do it…

We tried to figure out whether it would be on the phone or in person whenever we'd see each other next (which she is hoping will be soon, but I'm not sure how soon I'll be able to swing it – me going out to Raleigh – and also, truthfully, with things still being very weird for me at the time, I didn't really feel the most motivated to go out of my way to even go out there, and especially knowing things would continue to be weird for me when around her again physically)….

So anywho…in knowing that I just wouldn't be able to be halfway normal and more pleasant and unstressed with her until we had that conversation…and also – ok, so call me chicken, but – how a bit easier it'd probably be for me to say the things I needed to say (and use that printout with my notes) over the phone, we ended up going that route…

We talked on the phone…and I let her say whatever she'd like to say starting out, and then, when she was finished, I said everything I needed to say…and it was a lot…but it was everything that I needed to say…

And, Hallelujuah, she actually listened.. She didn't interrupt me, didn't hang up on me, and when I finished, she wasn't irate, annoyed or short with me…

She responded to some of the things I said and just to everything in general…with many things I already knew, but I think, just her tone and her at least seeming to finally understand and hear me by way of her response are what had me hearing her a little differently at that point…and already feeling better…

We went back and forth several times – not ever in a hostile or overly defensive way – and things remained civil and loving…as how always hope things would and think they should be between a mother and daughter…

And once I finished saying my last few things, mostly based on things she'd said since my initial pour out of thoughts, we were finally good… I was finally good.

It was so therapeutic… I really very literally felt a huge weight lift from my chest – an emotional burden from my heart…

Everything inside of me loosened up…

I really, really, really hope and pray that that conversation was our final turning point for the better…

I do want my mother in my life, and me in hers, and she feels the same way… I want her to be one of the first people I call when I get engaged, when I'm planning my wedding, when I get pregnant with my first baby and when I go into labor with that baby…

I want us to be able to call each other up or text each other about sillier things like the T.V. shows we both watch and love (like General Hospital) and movies we've each seen or would like to see and about our family and, just, respective lives…

I hope she will respect the fact that I am very grown at this point… Have been pretty independent and self-sufficient for a while now… That I have a man and a life and am often trying to focus on self but that I still and will always love and need her, no matter what…and that no one – not Wesley or anyone else – would ever be able to take her place…

And I just hope that things will be better – consistently be better between me and her AND between her and my brother for the rest of our times on this planet…

Hope I can look forward to at least four or five more decades with my mom here… Really do…

But alrighty, so…that is what might've also had to do with my odd feeling both when picking Wesley up last night and then again when waking up this morning…

God, please please pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease let this be it for us. Minor disagreements from time to time, okay – no problem…but that's it..

And, God willing, that it will be.